


Metamorphisis

by PrinceCaspian



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: And he tries to help you out too, Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Jesse tries to comfort you, Luico is perfect and I love him, Misgendering, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reader-Insert, hospital visits, lmao take a wild guess what this is all about, reader is on a journey of self discovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-09-28 04:37:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10072043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceCaspian/pseuds/PrinceCaspian
Summary: Something about you is changing, you're noticing it and Jesse is too.He's there to help.





	1. Metamorphosis

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, so as I mentioned in my last fic I am starting a small series about being trans/nb and experiencing body dysphoria. This series if going to focus more on top dysphoria because I feel that's the one I feel the most and can do the most justice.
> 
> This is dedicated to every trans reader who's reading this right now.
> 
> note: I do use trans as an umbrella term here but for those who are nb (like me!) and prefer to use that term more this is dedicated to you too!!
> 
> This is also dedicated to everyone still figuring out their preferred pronouns.

Jesse McCree was not by any means an idiot.

For whatever reason some were led to believe so but that would be their mistake and their downfall. Jesse was a lot more perceptive than he let on and he kept it that way, people loved to slip up when they thought they weren’t being watched and quite frankly you were not any different. You didn’t think your resident _vaquero_ was stupid but you thought you were concealing a certain crisis better than you actually were.

It began with the mirror, it always did. You'd be fresh from the first shower of the day, wash cloth dripping from a banister and you seemed transfixed, unaware of the puddle forming under the cooling and un-wrung rag. The first time Jesse caught you he mistaken your stillness in the mirror for silent admiration of yourself but then he looked closer. Your eyes were full of tears and your hands covered your chest. If he looked even closer he could see you trembling. Still when you got dressed and smelled like scented lotion you had a straight face and a larger than usual hoodie and a smile on your face for the rest of the day.   
However it seemed the cycle would repeat after you finished washing dishes, and went to take a shower and change into pajamas. You were covered in an old towel avoiding your reflection. Jesse intervened by kissing your forehead as he went to go shower as well, hoping the small act would help somehow.

Some ways it did, some ways it did not. 

Jesse tried not to question your sudden need to hide behind hoodies and dark t-shirts. It reminded him of something from years ago before he got two crescent shaped scars on his chest. His scars not completely faded but well hidden at this point. You had asked about them with genuine curiosity, how much it hurt how long it took and things of that nature. 

At first he thought it was only curiosity and nothing more, but as he thought back on it he’d something catch you looking at yourself then at him. He was beginning to piece together what was going on. You were changing and you weren’t sure what to do or what to say about it. For right now you could only hide and avoid your own gaze when you skin was bare. 

And he could only watch with a familiar growing feeling of uneasiness in his gut.


	2. Flinch

Something wasn’t right. A lot of things were not right but this had thrown you into an awful loop and it only got worse when you realized everyone was calling you by the wrong pronouns. It was maddening how simple words could burn you so easily and how you had to fight back the urge to flinch; fight back the urge to cry. Still something ate away at your insides and you got lost in thought.

You weren’t sure what pronouns you wanted to be called.

Sometimes certain terms that were gendered didn’t bother you at all. Other times they did. Did you want to be called Jesse’s spouse? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? What did you want? You would pause a lot more when you needed to use the bathroom and wasn’t sure which one to even enter anymore. You hated those ungodly surveys that would ask, if you were male or female. Some days it was easier to choose, some days you would breathe a sigh of relief if there was a choose to decline or other option for you to select. Why couldn’t things just be definite and simple?

“Are you alright?” You didn’t bother to look up and see who it is or even lie.

“No.” the crack of your voice was pathetic.

“Do you want to talk about it?” A hand on your shoulder made you flinch and it quickly withdrew.

“No.” You didn’t wait for anything else to be said before you gently excused yourself and tried not to think more and more about how everything about you felt wrong, incorrect. You were an imposter in your own skin. 

Opening your door and promptly locking it behind you, you tried to think of ways to at least make yourself feel better. There was a glimpse of yourself from a mirror in the bathroom. Your hair looked unkempt and you fought yourself to keep focused only on your hair and not the rest of you. 

You lost.

Again, that awful feeling returned and with greater intensity and your eyes began to sting from the promise of tears. You wanted this to stop, you almost wanted things to go back to the way things were before you crying in front of mirrors but you also remembered your past wasn’t without it’s confusion and uncertainty. 

Maybe if you could hide them? Maybe if you could just hide them again with a hoodie wouldn’t feel like this again. Your cheeks felt cold as you walked around and searched for anything to cover your chest. You found nothing, just a small hastily scribbled note from Jesse.

_Sweet Pea,_  
_It was my turn to do the laundry and I nearly forgot. I’ll be out for a bit as well, call me if you need anything._

_-Jesse_

Your heart sunk and raced at the same time. Then an idea crossed your mind as you wiped your eyes and stumbled outside to go find what you needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! 
> 
> I hope everyone is liking this one so far! o0o  
> Guess what reader is about to go buy?
> 
> :^)
> 
>  
> 
> If you ever wanna talk hmu on kik or Tumblr  
> Kik is Kaijuspit  
> Tumblr is seaprincecaspian
> 
> See you next chapter!  
> Also sorry my works are always so short I'm writing from a tablet my computer doesn't work anymore lmao but please feel free to leave a comment here and share your thoughts


	3. Incorrect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is doing well today! I did my best to write a longer chapter and I'm pleased with the results! A lot of this is based of of personal experiences but if you have any thoughts or suggestions please leave a comment!

Even with your shirt you felt uncomfortably bare in the store. Even with your shirt, (as big as you could find it,) you still felt like all eyes were on you and they knew what you felt about yourself. They knew what you were up to. After turning into the medical section of the small store you tried to shake your thoughts. Not even looking at the price you filled your basket and hurried to the next aisle to at least get some snacks to calm your nerves.

Florescent lights shone down on the candy section, most of them packaged in those deceitful little theater boxes that held less candy than they looked like they would, small bags, bottles, and even in the glass containers that you could scoop out yourself. You never trusted those after you once saw a grubby handed older man scoop up an entire handful of jellybeans and walk off after stuffing them into his mouth.

You shuddered at the thought.

“Hey!” You whipped around to see Lucio taking his headphones off and placing them around his neck. A smile spread on your face as you spotted the literal angel wave at you.

“Whats up? I haven’t seem you in days! Were you sick?” Lucio was always so caring and kind. You saved your hand in a so so motion.

“Sorta? I’ve been feeling a little off but I’m okay now!” You felt bad for lying, you always did but you felt even worse that you were lying to Lucio. You weren’t okay at all.

“Pass me those please?” With his lips, he pointed to the bag of plantain chips next to you, so you tossed them to Lucio and grabbed a box of red vines. You also picked up some chocolate for Jesse. 

“So what are you picking up? Just snacks?” Small talk was a good way to hide what you were doing, pretend everything was normal.

“Mhm, I was getting snacks for me, Genji and Hana. Mostly Hana though, she was telling me about Busan and her dad teaching her how to play games when she was young. So I found her some of her favourite foods. I hope it cheers her up. I’m also cooking food for Genji and I needed to start redoing my locs so I got some stuff for it.” While he said all of that Lucio managed to put his perfect hair in a perfect bun. It always smelled like mango butter or shea butter. You simply nodded and stood up and stretched.

“That’s really sweet of you!” You praised, Lucio giggled and said it wasn’t anything. Then he remembered he forgot something and rushed off to go find it while bidding you farewell, you waved and began to walk to the check out aisle. Once it was your turn, you put back some ridiculous tabloid implying something about an upcoming child prodigy being an evil mastermind with a large roll of your eyes. You really wondered who was dumb enough to believe that or even write and publish it. 

Your thoughts were cut short by the beeping from a cashier, ringing up your various items while you put your basket back and put everything in their respective bags. 

“That’ll be $20.38, did you find everything okay today miss?”

You froze. Your mouth felt useless as you struggled for words.

“Miss? Are you okay?” You nodded after taking a small breath. 

“Yeah, thanks.” You paid and ripped up your receipt and threw it into a bin when you were outside the store. Eyes burning that you didn’t speak up and correct the cashier. Your hands gripped the bags tightly as you walked back to yours and Jesse’s place. 

After fumbling with the lock you got inside and kicked your shoes off at the door, setting them aside so you wouldn’t trip anyone. With the bag you left the sweets on the table from Jesse to see when he got back and went to you shared room.   
After a few attempts you came out of your room and had a happy smile. What you did wasn’t permanent but it put your mind at ease. Your shirt was still big enough to hide any real differences to the untrained eye but it didn’t matter to you. You felt better.

For a time.

It was a bit difficult to breathe and you figured that was normal. When Jesse came back he had baskets of sweet smelling clothes that you helped him put in your room. They were already folded and you’d put them up later. Jesse told you about his day and listened to your own as he held you very close kissing the top of your head. Speaking of your head it was spinning.

“Feeling sleepy honeybunches?” Your nose wrinkled at that pet name Jesse chose to use. You wiggled free and stood up.

“I think I just need some water.” You responded and began to pad to your kitchen.

You didn’t make it there before everything around you went all dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter I'll be leaving some resources for proper binding and binders with different skin tones too! Please never ever bind with bandages! You'll hurt yourself! You can use sports bras for a flatter appearance if you have a small bust btw!


	4. Unravel

There were butterflies in your head, your ears, behind your eyelids, and in your chest. You weren’t getting enough air in your withering lungs. Someone was calling you but your face felt tingly and numb at the same time.

Something hurt.

“Wake up Darling, c'mon please!” you didn’t hear the snipping and ripping of fabric. Instead you felt his hot and cold hands on your torso, making it light up with dull aches. Jesse’s hands seemed to shake ever so slightly when he carefully as he possibly could unravel the bandages on your chest. That’s why you seemed so happy, that’s why you didn’t look the way you did when he left. The feeling of oncoming tears made his eye itch and his nose sting. You were hurting yourself more than you seemed to realize when a hand stopped his, weakly pushing his own away. Jesse could see the ghost of his old self in you. Glassy eyed and foggy minded, but still willing to go through this kind of pain to escape that deep ugly feeling that would latch onto his old self and follow his reflection, make it’s home in his mind, his body. That ugly feeling found you too and had its crooked teeth dug in your chest, squeezing your heart and lungs.

“Please don’t…” There was your sweet voice, so quiet and weak. You tried again to push away his hands. But it seemed your efforts to keep him from removing your bindings were in vain as more and more brown bandages ended up beneath you until you were bare. Crying and hiccupping hurt more than it should, you didn’t want to be seen like this, you didn’t want to be reminded of what lay beneath those bandages at all. You didn’t want Jesse to be upset with you, you didn’t want Jesse to think you were an idiot for doing what you did.

“Shhh baby, I’ll get you a hoodie but we gotta get you to the doctor. You feel real hard and those bandages can’t be good for you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-” Was he apologizing? Why was he sorry? You were being held close as he began to place you gently on the bed and find you a shirt and hoodie as if he knew you wanted to hide.

“I knew something was botherin' ya but I didn’t think to say nothing. I thought it might be better if you came to me when you were ready, but God I should have said something. I’m so sorry sweet pea I never want you to do this again okay? I know how you feel but you’re hurting yourself baby.” Jesse’s voice trembled in a way you had never heard before as he rushed you out to his red truck. Your hand was in his when he could hold it or in your own, balled up a bit.

You knew what lay ahead in the hospital, and you didn’t want to face it. Most of the block you lived in blurred by while Jesse drove. You had half the mind to trick yourself and say that Jesse was taking you out to lunch while you watched the sky grey and trees zip by. Children were playing jump rope, you noted. Jesse McCree was not an idiot and he knew what lay in store as well. One hand was on the steering wheel as he sped to the nearest hospital hoping that it wouldn’t be packed for no damn reason. When you two sat in the emergency room and waited to be seen he held your hand squeezing it periodically. He would fidget when he didn’t have a cigar to smoke or something to completely distract him. So you would squeeze his hand back periodically to let him know that you were with him even with the sore ribs.

Your name was called and you were led through a mass of people, some just small families sitting together with the curtains not drawn up and watching TV or others by themselves, looking completely dazed as the babbled to themselves in the dated and fades rooms they occupied. You and Jesse followed the nurse with curly hair and brown skin to a small room and the curtains were drawn as the nurse handed you a fresh medical gown and placed a warm blanket on the bed. Quietly, she asked you to change into the medical gown before giving you both some needed privacy. You didn’t need to ask Jesse to help you put the gown on and tie the back strings for you, he just did.

Soon the nurse returned to tend to you in a cheerful manner; or as cheerful as she could muster in an emergency room such as this. The nurse, bless her soul seemed to sense your uneasiness as you were questioned, poked and prodded. You very timidly explained you situation and she nodded. There was no judgment in her brown eyes, they reminded you of Jesse’s. She would nod and listen and take your blood pressure all while trying to put you at ease and get you to warm up a bit. You did your best to brace yourself for misused pronouns and you were relieved to find that they didn’t come from her. She avoided using gendered terms for your sake and if you didn’t have those awful painful spots on your chest you would place a hand on it in a gesture of appreciation and relief. That feeling was short lived when the doctor came in to see what damage had been done.

The doctor was a tall man and lanky as well, though not as tall as Jesse. Uncombed salt and pepper hair with grey tired eyes when you got a good look as he began to clean the smudged lens of his glasses. Stravok was his name, he stepped close enough to read off of the white coat he wore.

As smart as he may be, he didn’t seem to good at reading the atmosphere _at all_ , as he was walking in. You were told your ribs were bruised from how tightly you wound each bandage around yourself.

Then came the _she’s_ and _hers_.

“So she bruised her rib…With bandages? Are there any lacerations that you were trying to cover up with the bandages?” The doctor looked at you with a confused and seemingly unimpressed expression. The nurse seemed quick to speak for you when she saw Jesse practically glare at the doctor, near ready to jump on him.

“Our patient here was using the bandages for chest compression, Doctor.” Her voice was light when she turned to him. You missed the warning glare she shot the doctor.Dr. Stravok missed it too.

“Ah I see. Okay so she bruised her ribs from chest compression… Miss? We’re going to just take a few x-rays to get a better look at everything and see what else can be done. Alrighty?” Stravok was already to go on to the next patient and you nodded numbly.

Somehow you managed to endure the rest of the hospital trip, noting how dark the sky was as Jesse opened the door for you and kissed your cheek, a silent apology for the hell he never wanted you to endure. He offered you a milkshake on the ride home, hoping it might lift your spirits, how politely declined as you attempted to disappear into the passenger seat and force yourself to forget everything that happened.

Your boyfriend nodded and turned the radio on as he came to a red light. You glanced at him seeing how the red illuminated his face alongside all the white and yellow lights. The truck moved you both home as he tuned the radio to some country station he'd always listen to.

You fell asleep, nursing your bruised ribs to a song about dying young.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was something I enjoyed writing and also had a tough time writing. Not so much because I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with the story but more because it really hits me how much we endure when it comes to be called the wrong thing or denied the respect of being called the right thing.
> 
> Your ribs can be bruised if you bind correctly as well as broken, so NEVER use ace bandages or ductape for that matter. Please get a binder or a compression shirt if you choose to bind and please make sure you take deep breaths and breaks!!
> 
> I really want you all to know that I care about you and I don't want any of you to get hurt. I'm leaving some resources on binding as well as some binders that have various skin tones because hey, I'm not the only person on the planet who binds and has brown skin.
> 
> Next chapter should be up by tomorrow and I'm looking forward to writing it. When my laptop comes in I can write longer chapters and post quickly too instead of writing from a tablet. See you tomorrow! 
> 
> Love y'all!
> 
> Caspian
> 
> https://www.gc2b.co/collections/gc2b-all-nude  
> http://point5cc.com/binding-101-tips-to-bind-your-chest-safely/  
> http://transguys.com/features/chest-binding


	5. Correct

Everything was still dark when you woke up again eyes unfocused and somewhat dry when you looked around noting that somewhere a clock read 00:56. You felt an awful pain in your ribs as you breathed and began to sit up and turn on a bedside lamp. To your surprise, you were in PJ’s and one of Jesse’s favourite shirts, a cactus wearing cowboy hat and sheriff’s star. Jesse probably had you change into something comfortable before letting you rest. Speaking of Jesse you noticed that he wasn’t in bed, holding you close as he was known to do.

Was he angry with you? He could have been sparing your feelings when he rushed you to the hospital, but inwardly seething at you. You wanted to find him and apologize so you went to do just that. It was excruciating to move out of the heavy blankets and comforters that had kept you safe and warm as you slept, and even more so when you tried to take a deeper breath and walk to the door only slightly acknowledging the long stretch of your shadow on the low lit walls. You had to find him. After opening the door and walking down the hallway you stopped to see Jesse holding a mug in an equally as dim room. He was looking at a something on your best up coffee table, whatever it was had Jesse lost in deep thought.To catch his attention you cleared your throat and regretted the action with a pained wheeze. Jesse looked up, looking just a tad startled and now on edge.

“You’re up. How you feeling?” His voice gave away how tired he seemed. You wanted to walk over to him, reassure him, but you couldn’t help but hesitate.

“I’m okay. Jesse look I’m really sorry for everything I didn’t mean to act so dumb I just didn’t want to feel the way I did- It... It just wouldn’t go away no matter how much I tried to hide it and-” A hand stopped you, even with the dim light you could still see a good deal, the pale skin of his palms that always contrasted the brown skin that you loved, the ways his brows were knitting, and the tears in his eyes.

“C'mere.”

You obeyed and settled on the couch moving to wipe away tears that threatened to fall from his eyes and down his cheeks. Your hands ended up simply caressing his face while brown eyes looked deeply into your own. There wasn’t any anger or judgement to be found, just something else that you couldn’t find the word for.

“Baby, listen. You mean the world to me and when I say anything then you damn well bet I mean it when I say you can tell me anything. There’s something I had want to share with you when you woke up in the morning but you’re up and I doubt you’ll be sleeping to well without your meds and those ribs of yours.” Jesse took a blanket that was on the couch and covered your shoulders. Next he handed you old photographs. Some had white lines and wrinkles from being folded to many times, some had stains on them. In the photos stood a younger man who looked like Jesse, and oftentimes other people you didn’t really recognize. An older man who often wore beanies, hoodies, and a deep frown on his face or in only three of the photos, a smile. Jesse had since got up as you looked through old memories to make you something warm to eat. He began to talk to you from the kitchen.

“I remember when I got caught binding with bandages. Didn’t know any better and I figured that I wasn’t doing anything wrong if I kept it hidden. Anyone who gave me shit I would kick their asses into next Sunday anyways.” The last part made you giggle and Jesse heard you and chuckled himself. There was a clatter of metal before Jesse spoke again. You tenderly brushed your fingers over one photo before placing it back on the table.

“I got caught one day though.” You heard him get silent before the noise of something being cut could be heard. You tugged your blanket closer.

“I was stealing bandages from the medical supplies to go stash away and there stands Gabriel looking at me, you know those looks you get when you’re caught doing you’re definitely not supposed to. He was looking at me and then he seemed to realize what I was doing.” You tried not to imagine the look on the face of that tall man you saw in he photos. Somehow the name Gabriel fit his face.

“I thought he was going to yell at me or kick my ass. It wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to kick my ass for doing what I did.” To himself he muttered the words, ' _Damn sons of bitches_.' Then the sound of something sizzling in a pan as it was dropped in filled your ears before it died down slightly. Jesse opened a window.

“So I was there thinking that I’d be kicked out or something awful but no, he just picks me up and takes me to one of the doctors there. I had three cracked ribs and it was a month before I could really do anything about my chest. Gabriel was always supportive though, almost nobody treated me like shit afterwards, and I’d they did Gabe dragged them to hell.” The kitchen and living room smelled sweet and more clattering could be heard and the sound of water running then being set on the stove.

“What did you do before you got your surgery?” For some reason your voice sounded really foreign to you, maybe the need to sleep was beginning to catch up on you despite the pain.

“Well I had to wait a few months before I could do anything which was hell, but as a surprise I got a binder. They look sorta like tank tops but they work better than bandages do. You can’t sleep in them or nothing but it’s a lot better than what I did before.” You forgot Jesse couldn’t see you nodding.

“I remember not too long after that I started on T and got surgery some time after. Now I’m not sure if you’re looking to do any of the other two but as far as binding goes I can help you out. Please let me help you out.” A plate of fried plantains and hot chocolate with cinnamon in it was placed in front of you.

“Gabe would always make this for me to cheer me up.” Jesse sounded so wistful and you smiled at him ever so slightly as you began to eat. Your ribs ached on relentlessly and you grimaced. After eating, Jesse found your meds and passed them to you and helped you take them. You were content to listen to the rest of his stories until you both fell back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next few updates may be either short or the intervals between my updates may be longer, I got a weird work week ahead of me. I may also just post some other one shots with other characters here and there just so I don't get burnt out writing for this story.
> 
> Hope you're all okay and I encourage you to leave a comment and share your thoughts! ovo  
> Toodles!  
> Caspian


	6. Of Time and Titles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I'm not dead and neither is this, I've just been doing a lot and going through even more at the moment. I finally got decent wifi so it's really nice to actually be able to write and draw and work on things. Updates might be a little bit more random seeing as I have to start getting ready for school and kicking depression, and some past relationship issues out of my way as I do so but I'll keep updating as much as I can. This chapter is brief but I feel like it pretty much sums some stuff I learned as the years go on. Identity is a very odd thing and nothing in this life is really constant. Views will change, people will change, you will change. It's inevitable. I hope it's for the better versus the worst when you do change however. I wasn't always sure what to refer to myself when I was still trying to figure out what the fuck I am and ding ding ding I'm a boy. So if you're thinking that not knowing what call yourself is bad it's not. You're growing and going through life. You're good.
> 
> More updates to come in due time, toodles!  
> -Caspian

Jesse was there throughout the healing process, reminding you every day to take your meds and not to exert yourself too much. It was almost annoying in the daytime as he would shoo you away from any light chores you tried to do yourself and tell you to go rest, as well as chase you out of the kitchen if you tried to cook for the two of you. You would always huff then regret the action afterwards if you had not taken your meds like he would always hound you to. At the end of the day he would carry you to let you rest your head on his chest and you would listen to him breathe as he listed off the things he saw that reminded him of you, or as you’d talk about your day and in due time you healed. It was after lunch that the two of you started talking about a topic that had been set aside while you healed.

What to call you.

It was still all too obvious how you would flinch ever so slightly if someone called you Miss or Lady, or that you’d frequently paused before the doors of bathrooms before walking into the one you didn’t want to use. Jesse didn’t want to add to your pain by referring to you incorrectly and you noticed when he would call you all sorts of nicknames even more than ever after your trip to the hospital. Sugar was the first thing you’d hear when he would kiss you awake and pumpkin as you both would take turns in the shower and get something to eat.

“Well I already know what not to refer to you as but now the question is what to refer to you as?” That question wasn’t new at all to you and you still didn’t know how to answer. What did you call yourself? What didn’t make you feel all wrong and mixed up? Who were you now?

“I don’t know…” Your voice felt small. You felt small. Jesse as always seemed to understand, when a hand one warm and one cool reached your own hands and the other to tilt your chin up so you can look into his brown eyes that you always loved. The smile he gave you calmed something in you, and chased away your current feelings of anxiety and dysphoria. Even his voice put you at ease as he did his best to reassure you.  


“That’s alright baby, you’ve got all the time in the world to figure it out. Take all the time you need to grow into you.” It was then when everything did not feel as bad when you heard his words. He wasn’t wrong at all, you were free to take your time and figure yourself out. 


End file.
